My writing improvement

Kia ora bloggeeeeeeerrrs!,
I'm back and today I am going to show you some of my work I did for writing today. It's where I do improvements on something that someone has written or something that my teacher has written. For my improvement I have to focus on adding personification alliteration metaphors and similes.
I am also going to share my poem with you

My poem: An emotion is like a wave rushing over youUnable to move or breath
Happiness is when your riding the top of the wave
Fear is when your in the wave with it curling over you like a medieval torturerAnger is like the wave hitting the sand

The first story: One night, a boy and his dog were going to the store. As they walked by the cemetery, they heard a noise. The boy turned toward the sound. He thought he saw something move. The dog barked. A shadow passed them and went up into the tree. The boy and the dog ran to the store.

My version:  One night it was as dark a as coal,big bold brave boy and his dog were pacing themselves on there way to the store. As they  stroll by the corner cold craving cemetery, they heard a noise, The boy turned twisted toward the sound. He thought he saw something move. The dog barked. A shadow passed them and went up into the tree, The boy and the dog raced rushed ran to the store.

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